You wanna know what?
Sunday, November 20, 2011 // 10:30 PM
Sometimes i don't think I'm considered much less a friend to them.
You know why? Because they don't even bother about me. They don't even bother to ask how i was doing, dont even bother to ask me out when i'm like bloody free. Morever i don't even think they know i freaking existed in this world.
I feel like every single friend of mine is using me, wanna know why? Because whenever we go out, its always me planning. They don't make the effort. When i ask them out, they say they busy, no money. And, I'll always help them when they face a problem but they don't help me. I have a problem, they don't even care. WTF.
What kind of friend does this shit?
Are they even my friends?
Seniors can, boyfriend can , other friends also can. What about me? Cannot.
Am i some kind of plastic bag to be thrown around?
Yeah, and everything wrong happens, I'll get blame.
ALWAYS ME. ALWAYS ME.
Labels: It's always my fault. Never yours.
It sucks to be me.
Saturday, October 15, 2011 // 6:22 AM
"Sometimes after being alone for a long time , it kinda feels good to feel special for awhile"
I wished. Somehow , I feel like everyone hates or dislike me because I'm either fat or ugly. Or just both. My friend , she is so liked by many people while I'm the opposite. Like i got some resistance going on around me. I feel like whatever i did , turns them off. It kinda sad when your friends talk bout guys or kept telling you how they treated them so well but then when it comes to you , you don't have any to talk bout. Mostly feeling left out. I don't even know how it feels to be treated special. Well , today kinda sucks cus i am always having those negative thinking that people hates me. SO , i thought some guys were making fun of me for my plain ugli-ness of obesity. Thanks alot. I almost had fun when there are always people who ruined every single of my day ..I wonder when will my ever-lasting ugliness last ? Oh wait , it's ever lasting. How idiotic of me.
Labels: I want to be special.
Always Ignored.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011 // 11:39 PM
Sometimes it feels sad that I'm always being ignored by people. Especially by those whom i really loved...
Whenever i want to say something , they won't listen so might as well not talk bout it. Telling them out to friends is really hard cause I'm always afraid that i get emotional. Le sigh , especially the guy I liked. Yup , true i know that he won't like me. But the fact that I was ignored is quite hurtful. I still remember how , he didn't wished me for my birthday but the other 580++ friends of his, he wished. I feel like he knows , and he dislikes me. Here goes me being emo. I'm not ! I just feel sad , why can't i be beautiful. Why can't i be slimmer. I feel like another piece of junk people just throw away..
Even my family and friends. It's either they're too busy talking to someone else or I'm just invicible to their naked eye. Seriously , even wanting to go out with my friends for TGIF Friday feels like its not gonna happen because they're busy with some convocation shit. FCK life man , always. I wish I can tell him , how i liked him and how hurt i always feel. I wish i can curse him and throw rocks at his fucking good looking face. I wish i can do the same to my friends too. But somehow , the bad past disallows me to do so , and I , am not a person who wants to create any bloody attention. I used to be an attention seeker , maybe probably but not now. I don't like to be known for the wrong things. Well , actually ..I'm not even known. Nobody actually knows me. I'm not even popular with guys. I don't have a fucking boyfriend. Nor a guy bestfriend who would always be there for me. Even my friends have alot of fucking guys who liked her. But me ? NONE. And I'm just sitting there like some fucking shithole loner. Even my friend who has never been liked , has a guy whom is from L.A who liked her. I'M A FUCKING LONER. Yeah , because why ? I look like a man. Some shithole guy just said so. I looked like a guy, if he ever fucking realise that that is the most hurtful thing to say , i forgive him. But he thinks it's some kind of bloody compliment. How angry would i feel. If only , someone knows , maybe i won't feel like throwing a rock at their fucking face. I hate this life, I hate this body. I hate myself and I hate every single shit about me.
Labels: and i know that., I'm fat, stupid, ugly
What day today ? 5 Days before Exam Day !
Wednesday, September 28, 2011 // 5:42 AM
Hallo Hallo ,
Wo ke ai ni mah ? Whatever. Okay , So today I went to Hasyimah's so called crib. Yeah crib crib. We had a so called group study too. Hasyimah apparently , read through all my blogs . First reader I suppose , but i tak kisah. Heheheheh~ Anyway me and D. have not been on good terms. Not exactly good , but she's like keeping secret from me which of course i already knew. I told you, nobody can keep secret from me. The fact is , I respect peoples privacy but then if you tell the whole fucking world about it , is it even called privacy ? And then, theres the fact that only I the one who doesn't know about it. Somehow doesn't know but still knows. So i was upset cause this shows that she doesn't trust me. Maybe if you would fucking tell me to not tease you, prolly i won't. Cause I know what is serious and what is not. Trying to talk to her FAILED BADLY. I can't talk to people I'm upset with , i very EMO right..
Grrr , just before exams and this fuck shit happens. Spoil my fucking day , spoil my everything. My sister told me , people like this , tak payah layan. True , but she's my friend. Takkan nak gaduh lagi. I got bored & tired of fighting with people and giving cold shoulders. TSKTSK.
Anyway sorry for uglay blog , malas nak post i punye ke-ai photos. :p
Alone ?
Friday, September 2, 2011 // 11:45 PM
Sometimes I really have to say , I feel the most lonely person in the planet. Not only do i feel that sometimes I have friends who doesn't really care but sometimes I feel like I'm bothering them in many ways. It's like the word "Friend" is a statement but when it comes to really being friends , its just not there. I don't really know how to put it in words actually .. Sometimes I feel they don't like to have me around. But I can't say , I really want to get out of school. I sometimes feel like I never really had any true friends in my life. This year is my year of finding my true friends. Sometimes I think , I don't really actually have any close friends. I don't know if anyone actually considers me as one.
Well , what can i say. I'm an ugly piece of shit. I should just die lonely ( which i don't wish for it to happen ) ..
Friends , if they're really my friends then some day or one day , I'll know.
PATHETIC .
Monday, July 18, 2011 // 5:44 AM
Hey guys ,
Its been awhile since i blog , i just had to blog .. i don't really know where else to let out this disappointment. Atleast nobody will be reading it. Today Band was really like shit super shit. Seeing Putri cry , i felt like such a failure. I regret laughing & still be happy when Mr Pan left us. Whats there to be happy about ? Do i even deserve it. I dont wholely blame the Band or the juniors. I blame myself. I'm a major , shouldn't i lead them to success. What the fuck am i even doing ? Seeing the band dying like that .. No respect , no discipline , no sense of remorse or shame. Should i be proud ? Would the seniors ever wana come back ? NO , OF COURSE NOT. FUCKING NO. They don't know the seniors are there whom actually care for them. Do you actually see that they are struggling to try and come to band. To visit us ? That is so good. They really should appreciate it , they should really apreciate that their seniors fucking , really fucking care about them. My seniors never actually came back. IF i force , then they will. Me , having a bad past ..doesnt mean i must follow them , i want to change. I'm already trying my best to change the Saxophone sect. I really wonder .. i now know what it really fucking feels like to be a major. I really want the band to change , REALLY CHANGE. HOW ? HOW ? God , please help me. I really feel so horrible .. i want to fucking die. i hate this , i hate it so much !
Sunday, February 27, 2011 // 12:02 AM
Guess what ?
Its gonna be the last day of the month! Its gonna head on to march ~ gonna be my birthday ! im turning fifteen , yipeee! (:
But theres SYF & Cest La Vie ..busybusybusy ..anyway sorry about the previous post if my words seems abit vulgar. Actually really vulgar ..because theres racism going on in my class. I DONT LIKE IT AT ALL.
All humans are born the same. We are equal. So they have no right to judge/comment/criticise us.
I really dislike it, and i know its not only me.
Anyway , me & hasyimah & madel patch back but not too close . Thats okay ~ I dont like having haters..its worst than you could ever imagine. I want to go Far East Plaza ! but my sis is asleep. bleahhh ~ Nvm ..next time.
And to my classmate : Hang in there.
